The Kingdom of Loafington is a Sovereign State where all Loyal Subjects are dedicated to the Noble Pursuit of Idle Pleasures.
Our Royal Sovereigns King Slugbait the Loafmeister and Queen SafeT Queen III Rule the Kingdom with Divine Authority and Benign Neglect for the Glorious Indolence of All within its Borders.
Weary Pilgrims may seek Safe Refuge from the Perils of the Playa within the walls of Castle Loafington.
Foolish Pilgrims may become Loyal Subjects through Initiation into the Order of the Space Monkey.
Brave Serfs may aspire to the rank of Nobility through Initiation into the Squireship of Shirtcocking.
Purified Squires may accept the challenge of Ordination into the Holy Order of the Knights of Loafington.
All Loyal Subjects are counted as Among the Faithful, and may receive Absolution for their Sins by making Confession to El Grand Inquisitor Sysyphus De Sade.
Freedom and Democracy are well worth sacrificing in exchange for the Safety, Comfort, and Pleasure that are the Given Rights of all Loyal Subjects within the Borders of the Kingdom.
Castle Loafington has every Amenity a Civilized person could want and any Citizen would expect.
No one may become a Loyal Subject, that is to say a Serf, without first becoming initiated into the Order of the Space Monkey, which requires the Sponsorship of a member of the Royal Court. Getting to be a Squire is even harder. You wanna become a Knight? Good luck.
Loafington is devoted to Free Trade. We exact Tribute from our Protectorates and trade those commodities with the wealthier camps for Schwag and Bling to enhance the Court’s Prestige.
If it’s orange, it’s Loafington’s. Get your own color.
The Royal Sovereigns encourage their Loyal Subjects to revel in their inadequacies and flaunt their iniquities without shame or compunction. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
When you Sin, and Sin you will, you will need to get you some Absolution. The prerequisite for Absolution is Confession. El Grand Inquisitor is the Kingdom’s designated Confessor, but his wayward habits and short attention span makes it unlikely that he will be able to hear your Confession at any given time. So Sin early and often, Confess sincerely and completely to yourself each and every time, and you shall be Absolved without fail.
Our Kingdom exemplifies non-productivity. Art, performance, community building, social networking, and similar exertions are anathema to the Loafington Lifestyle. Goof Off, Kick Back, Chill Out.
The King’s word is Law. It’s easier that way. Less time thinking and more time playing. Obey the Royal Edicts or else answer to the Holy Order.
Lifting No Trash
Castle Loafington is kept neat and tidy. We throw all our refuse upon the midden outside the walls. It is donated to the DPW upon our departure. No muss, no fuss.
The Kingdom is a safe, comfortable, and pleasant place to relax in the shade, drink in hand, and watch the freak show go by. You want entertainment? Go to Thunderdome.
Whatever is happening in the here and now, there is something else more fun and exciting occurring in another place and time. Let’s go check it out.
Well-loved by the People and celebrated at Court, The Loafmeister sets the Sloth Standard to which the Loyal Subjects of the Land of Loafington aspire. He exhorts all within the Borders of the Realm to indulge in ever-increasing amounts of Debauchery, Goofitude, and Down Time. His despotic reign would be harsh if vigorously imposed, but the lassitude of his Vassals and the King’s impaired short-term memory ensures lax enforcement of the Royal Edicts and an enduring State of Ease throughout the Land.
Her Chillness Queen SafeT Queen III
The Queen loves her Subjects to seek their Hearts’ Desires and to Play Joyfully with themselves and each other. Equally so, she admonishes them to Play it Safe. To this End, she has generously endowed the Ministry of SafeT to distribute Tools and Toys to enable the People to Play Freely while Avoiding Harm. Given the Queen’s propensity for Free Play herself, some have speculated that this Program is the product of Enlightened Self-Interest as she receives her Courtiers while the King is in the Field.
The Crown Prince is Heir to the Throne, and so commands uncommon deference among the Lesser Nobility. His Intricate Accounts of Conspiracies and Dark Intimations of Spies and Schisms intrigues the Court and fuels the King’s Paranoia to such an extent that he must constantly seek the Comfort of the Grand Vizier’s Medicinal Potions and Herbal Remedies.
El Grand Inquisitor Sysyphus de Sade
The one who carries the burden of ensuring the faithful keep themselves aligned in body and soul with the, oftentimes confusing and contradictory, dogma and tenets that form the one true Holy Church of the Kingdom Of Loafington. What are those tenets? They are largely made up at the discretion of El Grand inquisitor to fit the situation at hand. Sysyphus de Sade obtained the envious position of El Grand Inquisitor by using the old coin behind the ear trick in an attempt to show The Court the power of the Holy He had within. Originally simply looking for a place to crash after an evening of prolonged serf flogging, the gambit was successful beyond His wildest expectations and He was asked by The Court to remain as the chief authority on all matters of Spirit. He is also used by The Court as an excuse for Them to dispense insane edicts under the auspices of “The Church”. Playing on the typical ignorance of the afterlife He is able to wield considerable influence with the standard threats of heresy if anyone should disagree. Grand Vizier Magus MaggotMeat the Heretic being a self proclaimed heretic is indeed the natural nemesis of El Grand Inquisitor. This is mainly because he is aware that El Grand Inquisitor enjoys the ability to periodically abuse his position to find new “subjects” for His amusement and a small amount of blackmail regarding a long-ago incident involving the Grand Vizier, a bucket of Crisco, and a live goat.
Esoteric Autodidact and Folk Etymologist, the Vizier’s wide and shallow knowledge of arcane trivia of dubious utility sometimes serves to fool Serfs into obeying Royal Edicts despite their inclination towards sloth. The Court seeks his advice in matters of Diplomacy, Intrigue, and Drunk-Dealing. He vies with El Grand Inquisitor for influence on the Royal Sovereigns.
Dame Mathilda von Loafwaffe
As an Envoy from a nearby Principality, Dame Loafwaffe has employed her Superior Education, Impeccable Manners, and Imposing Presence to insinuate herself into the Ranks of Loafington Nobility. Despite her Fine Breeding, she has enthusiastically embraced the Profligacy and Heedless Disregard with which the Court conducts its business. Rumors of dalliances with the Crown Prince lead some to speculate that she has Ambitions to the Throne.
Unaccomplished at Court, undistinguished in the Field, and of uncertain Lineage, this mediocre Knight’s career has been marked nonetheless by his remarkable World Travels. He returns after an extended absence to amuse the King with diverting tales of Peculiar Peoples from Distant Lands and to win the Queen’s favor with Exotic Games learnt in Oriental Harims.
Ever loyal and faithfully obedient, Sir Sockpuppet is unfailingly devoted to representing the views of his Peers exactly as they are dictated to him. His Unassuming Demeanor and utter Lack of Personality enables him to penetrate Rival Courts and thereby Subvert their Orders with the Slackitude of the Kingdom.