Kingdom of Loafington

“Ignavus est Optimus”

Welcome, Pilgrim!

A typical Knight of Loafington hard at work trying to achieve the divine state of SLACK!

The Kingdom

The Kingdom of Loafington is a Sovereign State where all Loyal Subjects are dedicated to the Noble Pursuit of Idle Pleasures.

Our Royal Sovereigns King Slugbait the Loafmeister and Queen SafeT Queen III Rule the Kingdom with Divine Authority and Benign Neglect for the Glorious Indolence of All within its Borders.

Weary Pilgrims may seek Safe Refuge from the Perils of the Playa within the walls of Castle Loafington.

Foolish Pilgrims may become Loyal Subjects through Initiation into the Order of the Space Monkey.

Brave Serfs may aspire to the rank of Nobility through Initiation into the Squireship of Shirtcocking.

Purified Squires may accept the challenge of Ordination into the Holy Order of the Knights of Loafington.

All Loyal Subjects are counted as Among the Faithful, and may receive Absolution for their Sins by making Confession to El Grand Inquisitor Sysyphus De Sade.

Freedom and Democracy are well worth sacrificing in exchange for the Safety, Comfort, and Pleasure that are the Given Rights of all Loyal Subjects within the Borders of the Kingdom.

The Castle at Fairlane & 4:30

Castle Loafington has every Amenity a Civilized person could want and any Citizen would expect.

Ten Principles of Loafness

The Kingdom of Loafington is a Sovereign State. Black Rock City ends at our borders. We play by our own rules. They are:

Radical Exclusion

No one may become a Loyal Subject, that is to say a Serf, without first becoming initiated into the Order of the Space Monkey, which requires the Sponsorship of a member of the Royal Court. Getting to be a Squire is even harder. You wanna become a Knight? Good luck.


Loafington is devoted to Free Trade. We exact Tribute from our Protectorates and trade those commodities with the wealthier camps for Schwag and Bling to enhance the Court’s Prestige.


If it’s orange, it’s Loafington’s. Get your own color.

Radical Self-assuredness

The Royal Sovereigns encourage their Loyal Subjects to revel in their inadequacies and flaunt their iniquities without shame or compunction. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

Radical Self-confession

When you Sin, and Sin you will, you will need to get you some Absolution. The prerequisite for Absolution is Confession. El Grand Inquisitor is the Kingdom’s designated Confessor, but his wayward habits and short attention span makes it unlikely that he will be able to hear your Confession at any given time. So Sin early and often, Confess sincerely and completely to yourself each and every time, and you shall be Absolved without fail.

Communal Slack

Our Kingdom exemplifies non-productivity. Art, performance, community building, social networking, and similar exertions are anathema to the Loafington Lifestyle. Goof Off, Kick Back, Chill Out.

Absolute Monarchy

The King’s word is Law. It’s easier that way. Less time thinking and more time playing. Obey the Royal Edicts or else answer to the Holy Order.

Lifting No Trash

Castle Loafington is kept neat and tidy. We throw all our refuse upon the midden outside the walls. It is donated to the DPW upon our departure. No muss, no fuss.


The Kingdom is a safe, comfortable, and pleasant place to relax in the shade, drink in hand, and watch the freak show go by. You want entertainment? Go to Thunderdome.


Whatever is happening in the here and now, there is something else more fun and exciting occurring in another place and time. Let’s go check it out.


His Slackness King Slugbait the Loafmeister

Well-loved by the People and celebrated at Court, The Loafmeister sets the Sloth Standard to which the Loyal Subjects of the Land of Loafington aspire. He exhorts all within the Borders of the Realm to indulge in ever-increasing amounts of Debauchery, Goofitude, and Down Time. His despotic reign would be harsh if vigorously imposed, but the lassitude of his Vassals and the King’s impaired short-term memory ensures lax enforcement of the Royal Edicts and an enduring State of Ease throughout the Land.

Her Chillness Queen SafeT Queen III

The Queen loves her Subjects to seek their Hearts’ Desires and to Play Joyfully with themselves and each other. Equally so, she admonishes them to Play it Safe. To this End, she has generously endowed the Ministry of SafeT to distribute Tools and Toys to enable the People to Play Freely while Avoiding Harm. Given the Queen’s propensity for Free Play herself, some have speculated that this Program is the product of Enlightened Self-Interest as she receives her Courtiers while the King is in the Field.

The Crown Prince of Loafington

The Crown Prince is Heir to the Throne, and so commands uncommon deference among the Lesser Nobility. His Intricate Accounts of Conspiracies and Dark Intimations of Spies and Schisms intrigues the Court and fuels the King’s Paranoia to such an extent that he must constantly seek the Comfort of the Grand Vizier’s Medicinal Potions and Herbal Remedies.

Sysyphus hard at work gently convincing a heretic the folly of his ways.

El Grand Inquisitor Sysyphus de Sade

The one who carries the burden of ensuring the faithful keep themselves aligned in body and soul with the, oftentimes confusing and contradictory, dogma and tenets that form the one true Holy Church of the Kingdom Of Loafington. What are those tenets? They are largely made up at the discretion of El Grand inquisitor to fit the situation at hand. Sysyphus de Sade obtained the envious position of El Grand Inquisitor by using the old coin behind the ear trick in an attempt to show The Court the power of the Holy He had within. Originally simply looking for a place to crash after an evening of prolonged serf flogging, the gambit was successful beyond His wildest expectations and He was asked by The Court to remain as the chief authority on all matters of Spirit. He is also used by The Court as an excuse for Them to dispense insane edicts under the auspices of “The Church”. Playing on the typical ignorance of the afterlife He is able to wield considerable influence with the standard threats of heresy if anyone should disagree. Grand Vizier Magus MaggotMeat the Heretic being a self proclaimed heretic is indeed the natural nemesis of El Grand Inquisitor. This is mainly because he is aware that El Grand Inquisitor enjoys the ability to periodically abuse his position to find new “subjects” for His amusement and a small amount of blackmail regarding a long-ago incident involving the Grand Vizier, a bucket of Crisco, and a live goat.

Grand Vizier Magus MaggotMeat the Heretic

Esoteric Autodidact and Folk Etymologist, the Vizier’s wide and shallow knowledge of arcane trivia of dubious utility sometimes serves to fool Serfs into obeying Royal Edicts despite their inclination towards sloth. The Court seeks his advice in matters of Diplomacy, Intrigue, and Drunk-Dealing. He vies with El Grand Inquisitor for influence on the Royal Sovereigns.

Dame Mathilda von Loafwaffe

As an Envoy from a nearby Principality, Dame Loafwaffe has employed her Superior Education, Impeccable Manners, and Imposing Presence to insinuate herself into the Ranks of Loafington Nobility. Despite her Fine Breeding, she has enthusiastically embraced the Profligacy and Heedless Disregard with which the Court conducts its business. Rumors of dalliances with the Crown Prince lead some to speculate that she has Ambitions to the Throne.

Sir RedMark Slackworthy the Blue

Unaccomplished at Court, undistinguished in the Field, and of uncertain Lineage, this mediocre Knight’s career has been marked nonetheless by his remarkable World Travels. He returns after an extended absence to amuse the King with diverting tales of Peculiar Peoples from Distant Lands and to win the Queen’s favor with Exotic Games learnt in Oriental Harims.

Sir Percival Sockpuppet

Ever loyal and faithfully obedient, Sir Sockpuppet is unfailingly devoted to representing the views of his Peers exactly as they are dictated to him. His Unassuming Demeanor and utter Lack of Personality enables him to penetrate Rival Courts and thereby Subvert their Orders with the Slackitude of the Kingdom.

15 Responses to “Welcome, Pilgrim!”

  1. Jason R said

    Oh my god ! this is classic! What about the renegade “Loaf-Pinchers” ?

  2. Shadow Realm (i.e. Dan DeLong) said

    King Slugbait,

    Your royal dudeness — it has been far too long. This is the last year of my camp, Spike’s Vampire Bar, and I will be there to oversee the burning thereof. Will you meet with an old friend on the Playa? Perhaps we can persuade Jason to take a few days off from his twisted pursuits to join us. The Guardians of the Script together again? Is the universe ready?


  3. dangblog said

    Your Web site stands as a testament to the fact that you loafers have much time on your hands. Not too much. You can never have too much. It was a pleasure to meet you at the newbie picnic. I claim the rank of Wastrel and hope to drop by your kingdom. If you’re lucky, I’ll bring the Master Nashwan with me and he’ll offer you a drink of his used bathwater.

  4. dangblog said

    Link didn’t work.

  5. Excellent blog. good luck.

  6. SmallFry said

    Hail! Sir Red Mark: Slackworthy the Blue.

    Please be so kind as to extend Greetings from SPEC Nation, your neigbouring
    sovereign state in the region of 4:30 and Fairlne to the most esteemed King
    Slugbait and Her royal Chillness QueensafeT Queen III.

    Let it be known that the Empire of SPEC will be honoured to receive the
    Squires persueing their daunting Quest!

    Let it be known wherein that if in any manner whatsoever, we of SPEC Nation
    may be of service; to aid and abet these valiant Knights on their worthy
    tasks, to help advance them to their desired goals, we are eager indeed to
    come to their aid.

    Herein, with this missive, is extended to the entire Kindom of Loafington an
    invitation to enjoy the sweet reprieve of the DownTempo, a daily ritual,
    during the sacred time of “Happy Hour”whist the Sun once again moves into
    its time of Rest, to partake of the sacrament of “Gee’nTee”, a beverage
    renoun for a pleasnat tonic effect upon the Pilgrim.

    Let each and every one of the Kingdom of Loafington be most welcome to come
    to refresh their weary apendeges with a humble foot massage and
    simultaneously whet their proverbial whistle with the natives of SPEC and partake of the sacrament
    of “Gee’nTee”, balm for the travel-weary, energizing to the fatigued,and at once both
    invigorating and relaxing to the Seekers as who gird their loins and prepare for the
    Nocturnal Pilgrimage to the Playa.

    Indeed! Let us join forces for we are truly of one accord!

    We of SPEC Nation send this missive with its heartfelt and deepest wishes
    for a Happy Heart, a Peaceful Mind and a Playful Spirit!
    Signed, for all SPEC Nation, by the Scibe who is known as ,

  7. Alex said

    Your blog is interesting!

    Keep up the good work!

  8. Yes please,
    Can I get the monthly mag on a bi-annual basis?
    Oh, and don’t bother to wake me when you go go – I shall have done your bidding by the time you get back… Or not.

  9. sysyphus69 said

    Monthly meg? Yeegads that sound far too much like work. Frick that…

  10. Pretty cool stuff Mark…a lot of good, clean, fun!!!! Yeah! Say hi to my Nefner for me. xo Les.

  11. Jonathan said

    This is the kind of kingdom I can aspire to!!!!!!
    I am most impressed your loafness. Please e-mail this hummble loafster about 2009

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